Not Another Top 5 List; The cheapskates guide to campervan-ing around New Zealand

1. Public Toilet Loving (not like George Michael)
New Zealand loves its public toilets and you will come to love your time in them too. Whoever decided a lounge-jazz arrangement of “What the world needs now (is love sweet love)” was a necessary cubical soundtrack; I solute you. Wash yourself here, wash your dishes here, wash away the need to ever pay $40 for a campsite with facilities again

2. Beat the warden
Many DOC sites operate on “honesty envelopes” that allow campers to self-service payment before “early morning” checks by wardens. Leave the site by 6:45AM and never pay a penny (so we hear...)

3. Fashion forward / Cash back
Have you arrived from the blistering heat of the Asian sun completely unprepared for normal cold weather? Go 'op shopping' (2nd-hand clothes shopping) and come away with warming corkers like this for $2

4. Pam is your friend
New Zealand's ode to Asda's Smart Price, the cheapest of the cheap in basic food products comes with a friendly name here. Shall we dine with Pam tonight? Yes please.

5. The 'No Camping' sign
Don't be fooled by what may seem to be a clear statement – this common sign simply means, here's a nice spot to stay for the night if you are happy to maybe (probably not) be woken up and moved on at 4AM [see Wanaka]


Like this? There's more! Why not check out How to survive a night bus or How to achieve traveller chic (for the guys)

Not Another Top 5 List; How to achieve traveller chic (for the guys)

...I've had this one drafted since Thailand when it was maybe a bit more appropriate, but better late than never eh..?

1. Get the Costa del Shoreditch look
Take 1 pair of day-glo girls shorts with a 'full moon party' logo on (many colours available) and team it with a vest bearing the logo of a SE Asian beer (Chang, Angkor, Saigon Green etc.) A thick wad of colourful wristbands on one wrist is optional but recommended and voila! You have joined the masses and now you look cool

2. Don't cut your hair
So what if you sweat so much in the Asian sun that it is actually physically uncomfortable both for you and passers-by? Un-washed, un-styled and not-quite officially “long” yet in so en vogue...you look great

3. Focus on what is important
“Once you've seen one mountain” 365 was reliably informed in a pub in Sapa “you've seen them all” - that's the spirit, now whose round is it anyway?

4. Have sex in your dorm room
So you've finally managed to bed that blonde gappie from Bristol. Why wouldn't the 9 other people in your dorm want to share those magical 2 minutes with you? Please, go right ahead

5. Going loco
An excerpt of a conversation we genuinely overheard between two British backpackers in Hoi An;
lad1: “let's go out for dinner in a bit, what do you fancy?”
lad2: “I don't know...I think I might actually have Vietnamese food tonight”
lad1: “Really? Just make sure you're not sick for the big night out though, mate”
Thank you lad1; a total focus on 'the big night out' and the firm belief that any contact with local culture will harm you – textbook traveller behaviour


More not-so useful hints and tips for the travel savvy include How to survive a night bus and How to get the right day tour

Not another Top 5 List; How to survive a night bus

1. Don't be tall
Only children, dwarfs and/or double-leg amputees should expect any level of comfort from these tiny "beds"

2. Spoon a stranger
If there is a better way to become quickly acquainted with the person next to you, we haven't found it yet. Short, narrow reclining seats with just an arm-rest separating you ensures the necessity to adopt this intimate sleeping position.

3. Lights on, lights off
Thought you'd bring a book along to pass the hours? No; your driver has turned the lights out. Bring a head torch. Thought you'd sleep since it's all dark in the bus now? No; your driver is making another commission-earning pit stop - sorry, toilet stop for everyone's comfort and enjoyment - and you will wake up for it. We're sorry; the head torch won't help you now

4. Don't expect to sleep
We've called it a 'night bus' here because surely the word 'sleeper' was only ever a wild miss-translation...brace yourself for a long night and seriously consider investing in some valium. Readers will be happy to hear rhohipnal is also widely available in Asia (and, when not dropped into your bacardi breezer unannounced, actually very effective) but please see #5

5. Don't buy sleeping pills with a Vietnamese girl called Flower
Team 365 has it on good authority that those who do may well end up with a 12-hour erection instead (please see #2 and picture the scene yourself.) Oh...so that's why the pharmacist cast a knowing glance at your pretty Vietnamese companion and said "yes, you sleep real good tonight" when you inquired about the strength of the pills (thanks to our man-in-the-field, Steve Barker, for that one)

Not Another Top 5 List: How to get the right day tour

1. For "visit a local village" READ "endure handicraft hard-sell"
Every tour has one. Promises of deeper cultural understanding give way to this unique sales technique. For every item you see being made by a locals' hand, you'll see 10 more thrust infront of you at a "special" price available only today...

2. Time is money
When the tour operator says it's 8:30 - 5 expect to be collected at closer to 9 and returned by 4

3. Make friends
The icing on any day tour cake is the new friends that you can make. Get in there early with some kind words or risk being paired in your kayak/camel/horse-drawn carriage with that crazy middle-aged American woman who keeps talking about her recent boob reduction

4. Lunch is a lottery
...so bring along something of your own. It will either serve as necessary sustenance or a tasty snack once the day tour is done

5. Shop around
No matter which tour operator you book with you will get exactly the same tour; so go cheap and bargain hard. No-one wants to make a new friend (see #3) and find that they paid less that you


Like this? why not check out How to cook authentic Vietnamese cuisine or Things not to say in India

Not another 'Top 5' list: How to cook authentic Vietnamese

1. Keep it on the down-low
Remember that nothing above knee-height will be of any interest to anyone. Ensure your food is slaughtered, stir-fried and served curb-side in close proximity to a busy street.



2. Pick a speciality and stick with it
Why offer any choice at all? Decide on your dish and do not deviate from it. Everyone's happy.

3. Keep ém guessing
Make sure your menu represents in only the vuagest way what diners will actually receive upon ordering. Especially when this means making incredible dishes sound bland and boring (see Kat's pho en chay)

4. It's oil good
If you cannot see a shiny reflection of yourself in the grease that clings to the plates and lips after finishing a dish; you haven't used enough oil.

5. Make a meal to remember - even half way down the street
Feel free to sneak the hottest of chilis into every dish for the unsuspecting tourist and watch with pleasure as their eyes water at your creative cuisine.


**List lovers may also enjoy: Top 5 Things not to say in India

Not another 'Top 5' list: Things not to say in India

1. I arrived in Delhi this morning, this is my first time in India
Save yourself the breath and the bother and just hand that crisp wad of notes to the first friendly local that offers his assistance.

2. Here, have some food instead
Ah no, no, no...these beggar children aren't putting their tiny dirty hands to their stomachs, then their mouths and then out to you because they're hungry. Their parents and pimps are feeding them just fine - put that food away and show them some money, stupid.

3. Oh, the West Indies are playing well, aren't they?
Though this may be the case, no self-respecting, cricket-loving India is going to enjoy this kind of verbal slap in the face.

4. Which was is [insert any town/city name here]?
Don't worry! No need to ask this one because you are always already on the right road, you just need to "straight go'' (follow emphatically pointing finger) and you are - usually - exactly 5km away. Who needs a map, eh?

5. No, I'm not married
Yes you are. For the ease of all verbal interactions and to save any females from unwanted propositions; you are married.